As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
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Sooo many times…..
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
opening a flower shop called women in stem