As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*praying for world peace*
God:
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
The future is now.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.