As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.