Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”