As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Frankenstein?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.