As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The internet is magic sometimes.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after