As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
🤭😂
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.