As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*performs CPR on the turkey*
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.