@AGreaterMonster

As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.

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@samreich

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

@AndrewsNotFunny

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@chrisdowning

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

@UncleBob56

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@jazmasta

if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”

@samuelhlowe

Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.

@SamGrittner

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

@SarraBeth

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.