@samreich
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
@AGreaterMonster
As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.
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@samreich
@AndrewsNotFunny
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
@chrisdowning
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
@UncleBob56
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
@jazmasta
if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”
@samuelhlowe
Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.
@SamGrittner
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
@NickBossRoss
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
@SarraBeth
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
@facciabella
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.