The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
No, I don’t think I will.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup