As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
You Might Also Like
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂