As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.