Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.