As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You Might Also Like
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne