Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope