Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.