As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
LOL
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
marvel comics have peaked
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Wait a minute…
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.