As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
dogs can find happiness so easily