As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.