As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
oh she’s cooked
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.