As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!