Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

life finds a way

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

I hate when that happens.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool