As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord