As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping