Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely