As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
79.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”