Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 35, your body ages in dog years

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!