As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.