As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.