Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?