As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
one last job
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…