As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
i spent way too long on this
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
moms in horror movies
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
So inspired right now.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?