Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Danger is very dangerous

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny