As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
You Might Also Like
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Schrödinger’s cookie
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Just as the prophecy foretold
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop