As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.