As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
o shit
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?