Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

From Facebook just now…

Confused owl: What?!

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup