As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.