As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
You Might Also Like
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep