Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Möther may I have a snäck

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past