As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!