As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.