As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
You Might Also Like
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list