Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

BETRAYAL

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Ok but actually

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

All is fair in drunk and war.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

uh oh

The options really are this bad

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.