As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.