Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

turning my gender off to conserve energy

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”