As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My loaf of bread looks terrified
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils