As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
how much for the angry fruit?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”