As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.