Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

3% human
97% stress

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

My birthstone is pecan pie.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball