As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“our sushi is very fresh”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.