As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*pronounces fake like saké*
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”