As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
So the ex texted me
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
RT if you could go either way.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home