As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*