As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
You Might Also Like
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.