As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
handsome & gretel
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’