As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Happy thanksgiving!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
so this horse walks into a bar
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
As per my previous tablet…
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.