As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable