As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*