Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.