As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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Our lord and savoury.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
United Steaks of America
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie