As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.