As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
*puts my mental health in rice
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.