As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Good morning, Twitter 😊
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.