As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
the answer was staring at me all along
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
next question.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.