As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
School be like
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”