As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
What number SPF blocks people?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too