As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
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People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
me to God
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.