sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
HOW DARE YOU
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice