@rohtalks

As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.

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@NinjaFuneral

I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.

@aotakeo

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

@djdarrellripley

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

@ilovepie84

If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@OctopusCaveman

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

@skittle624

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@cupcakelynda

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.