As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
🙅🏻
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY