Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

How do you like your Corgi?

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

my favorite gender

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate