As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible