As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.