As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
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Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
If snakes were wide
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*