As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Harsh but fair
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.