[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?