[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
that’s really how it is
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.