[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
You Might Also Like
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
it was love at first sight
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
how DARE
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes