Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*